Brother Pain from Evil Scarecrow answers our dumbest of questions...
If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
I would live in the centre of the earth because that is the most metal place there is! Hot molten metal! So metal that it would kill me!
Have you found your new van yet and if so, what’s it called?
We haven’t found the new van yet. Dr Hell has a massive wad of fifties in his pocket, but I am sure he’s just gambling it all on illegal cockfights and he’ll turn up with a wheelbarrow and say that was all he could afford. No doubt the new van shall be called VANessa IV (as is tradition) but I am not sure what its tagline will be. We had VANessa I, VANessa II (The Revenge), VANessa III (The Bitch) so we should call VANessa IV… term… The Wheelbarrow.
What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever posted on a social media site?
I don’t use Social Media as I don’t think it will catch on. We only promote the band with leaflets and a man wearing a sandwich board.
If you could breed 2 animals together and defy the laws of nature, what would you create?
A frog and a pigeon. That would make a frigeon. Would that be any good? Probably not. Maybe a shrimp and a penguin. A SHRENGUIN! That would be awesome. Its beady black shrimp eyes staring at you and its fragile slender wings (used primarily for perching according to Wikipedia) would be a sight to behold.
Have you ever wielded a sword?
No. And even if I had, I wouldn’t tell you. Imagine what the police would think! I would be in jail before you could mace spray a maniac
What’s your favourite board game?
SHRENGUIN Trap. It’s like Mousetrap, except you have to slowly build a SHRENGUIN trap and then catch a rabid SHRENGUIN at the end. It comes with an actual real life SHRENGUIN that you have to feed and care for until you play the game. Although once you have caught the SHRENGUIN you are advised to kill it.
Do you think scarecrows are evil?
No, not all of them. That’s why we’re called Evil Scarecrow. To denote that we are actually evil.
Would you rather have fingernails for teeth or teeth on your fingers?
I’d rather have penises for fingers, but that wasn’t the question. I guess teeth on my fingers so that I could punch and bite something simultaneously. Like a SHRENGUIN for example.
What are you afraid of?
Describe the Evil Scarecrow experience in 5 words:
Sonic Boom party biscuit… CHAMPION!
If you were born as a member of the opposite sex, what would your name be?
Sister Pain. #obvs
If you had to tag team up with another band for a wrestling match, who would you choose?
I think I’d choose Fleetwood Mac because I bet Mick Fleetwood could perform a mean elbow drop.
Would you rather have eyes on the back of your head or one on each side of your head?
I’d rather have penises for fingers! And bumholes on my tongue! And testicles for eyes! And I’d like to have chickens feet instead of my own! I’d like to have the wrists of a porpoise and the wings of a bee for eyebrows (forty two above each eye/testicle).
Do you like Taylor Swift?
Does she like Evil Scarecrow? No. The feeling is mutual.
What’s your favourite song? EVER.
They didn’t believe me when I told them the news,
There was never any indication or any clues,
In a battle ‘gainst nature, nobody wins,
Prepare yourself for the attack of the SHRENGUINS!